USMLE Qualms and Speculoos Cookie Butter

I turned off my idealistic 6 am alarm and slept for another hour this morning before the gravity of the yet to be done pulled me out of bed. So far in residency I've been refreshingly free of the guilt that has plagued me for the past seven years. Now that (as of yesterday) I've decided to write the USMLEs, the guilt is creeping back.

It's the time-wasting guilt -- the baseline of mild anxiety that accompanied me through undergrad and medical school. From spending half an hour after class chatting with friends to reading The Goldfinch instead of my study notes, there wasn't much I could do that didn't leave an aftertaste of guilt.

It was not so much guilt that I wasn't studying, but guilt that I was not being productive, be that getting in some physical activity, learning something new, or picking up extra shifts at my part-time job. The only prophylaxis was getting in a good dose of productivity, early in the day, to lighten the burden of the still to be done.

Now in residency without deadlines, exams, or a part-time job, my productivity has taken a nose dive. I have to muster all of my discipline to focus on studying for even two hours (I don't know how I ever had the stamina for the twelve-hour library days of my undergrad years). Yesterday I sat at my desk all afternoon and have a mere 57 QBank questions to show for it. Thanks to QBank's helpful anxiety-inducing built-in counter, I know I have 86 days and 9 hours until my paid access runs out.

Of course, rather than get some studying in this morning I proceeded to procrastinate by doing some cleaning (my house is always tidiest around exam time), having a leisurely breakfast, and going grocery shopping.

Today turned out to be beautifully sunny with a cloudless blue sky. I was early enough to the stores to avoid the pre-holiday crowds and within an hour had spent $80 to stock the fridge, freezer, and cupboards which were looking a bit spartan. I found my favourite holiday tea on sale, Celestial Seasonings sugar plum spice, before getting distracted in the peanut butter aisle by Penotti Speculoos Cookinotti Cookie Butter.

On sale for $1.67 (from $5.47) this Holland-made cookie butter went into the shopping cart without a second thought. With the nutmegy cinnamony spice of speculoos windmill cookies accompanying my memories of visits with my Dutch grandparents, speculoos cookie butter is something I've wanted to try since seeing it on Tumblr last year (and subsequently all of the social media).

Met with the familiar spicy aroma upon pulling the foil off the jar, I knew this cookie butter would taste like the cookies of my childhood. A spoonful (or two) later I was not disappointed. A glance at the ingredients list explains why it tastes just like the cookies: first on the list is speculoos cookies, then oil and sugar. Not quite health food...but balance is healthy!

I had some on toast, then couldn't resist trying it out in place of peanut butter in my cookie dough oats. I thought nothing could top the peanut butter version, but how wrong I was...

After a late lunch of grilled chicken salad topped with a grilled egg (really getting my money's worth out of the George Foreman), I'm ready to settle down at last to some USMLE QBank questions.